By this point, we’ve all heard that if you want a village, you have to be a villager. But how, exactly, is one a villager? Let’s learn how to be a villager together!
Like pretty much every woman I know, I am looking for a village. In this age of living far away from family and virtual everything, it’s hard to find a village. And although that popular saying sounds too cute to be true, it isn’t. The best way to find your village is indeed to be a villager yourself.
I don’t know about you, but I never took a class on how to be a villager. I went to school for a very long time, and such a class was never offered. That has meant figuring out how to be a villager has been a lot of trial and error. Here’s what I’ve learned about how to be a villager. None of these are the silver bullet that will ensure you have a village of women ready to support and assist by next Tuesday, but the more you practice these villager behaviors, the better chance you’ll have of waking up one day to find you have that village you’ve been dreaming about.
How to Be a Villager
Show up
The very first step in how to be a villager is just to show up. Be around people who might become your village. Yes, it’s that easy. But it’s also super hard.
Being around and showing up means you have to break out of your comfort zone and go places. I know how hard it is to say yes when all you want to do is go home and get in your pajamas. But say yes when you’re invited somewhere. It’s also hard to introduce yourself to the other moms at baseball, the bus stop, or dance class. But that’s truly the only way you have a prayer at getting yourself a village. Show up. Talk to people. Pretend it’s 1995.
Initiate
After you’ve shown up for a while, the next step in how to be a villager is to initiate contact with potential friends/villagers. Yes, I know that it’s scary to put yourself out there. The fear of rejection is real. It’s a human condition, though. If you don’t initiate, no one else may either. And then you let a potential village slip through your fingers.
When you start initiating connection with new people, you don’t have to start big. Start a conversation at the bus stop or at pick-up. Then, build on that connection slowly. Ask your new friend to grab coffee or a drink. Run an errand together (how fun does a grocery date with a friend sound!?). Invite the whole family over for brunch. The more you initiate connection, the more you become part of one another’s lives. And that’s when a village emerges!
Help
Next up in our crash course on how to be a villager is to offer to help when you can. Life today is hard to keep up with. You’re trying to work, keep house, raise kids, and then cart your kids around to their various and sundry activities. It’s a lot. In fact, it’s too much for one person.
Because life is simply too much these days, I’m sure that your potential village could use some help pulling it off. So, offer to help! Have a friend bring her kids over when she has another demand on her time. Drive her kid to baseball practice. I mean, you’re already going, so it’s no sweat off your back. Make her family a meal when you know she just does not have the time to do anything other than run through the drive-thru. I have a whole post about how you can help a friend in need if you really want to show up and be a villager.
Ask for help
Next, we are turning to one how to be a villager tenet that I really struggle to embrace. If you’re a Millennial woman who was taught to be an independent lady, you probably struggle with this too. We’re talking about asking for help.
In addition to being willing to help your community when they need help, you also need to be willing to accept help to be a true villager. You can’t be the only villager in the village. People who care about you want to help you. Let them.
Remember events
People really feel seen when others remember important things about them. Sure, remembering dates like birthdays and anniversaries is great, but going the extra mile and remembering more obscure things really puts your villager skills over the top.
What types of events should you be committing to memory? Important work milestones, meaningful college football games, and kids’ dance recitals or sporting events are a good place to start.
Inconvenience yourself
Most things that are worth doing are hard. Being a villager is no exception to this rule. Sharing your most valuable resources – time and effort – really show other people that you have what it takes to be a villager.
Now, it’s important to note that I’m not suggesting that you need to be a martyr to be a good villager. On the contrary, absolutely no one wants a martyr in her village. Instead, it’s important to inconvenience yourself for others and not expect praise or recognition for it. Just do it because you care, not because you want to be seen as a good villager.
Chat
Now, how are you going to figure out how you can help or when important events are taking place? You have to chat with your friends! Depending on how loquacious you are, this could be easy or extremely difficult. Either way, it’s important that you chat.
Chat to get to know people, celebrate wins, commiserate about hard things, listen to whatever she wants to get off her chest, or give advice (when asked). You can have these chats in person (the bus stop is a great excuse to chat!), on the phone, or even through text message throughout the day. Just keep the lines of communication open however you can!
Be vulnerable
While you’re having these chats, don’t let them be one-sided. If your friends are being vulnerable, it’s important that you be vulnerable with them too. Vulnerability is how you really get to know your village. You’ve got to share yourself as much as your friends share themselves. I’m not suggesting you have to share ever last detail of your life with someone you just met. Just share a little bit of yourself organically as you get to know someone. This is how friendship (and creating a village) works.
Other posts
Looking for other ways to navigate modern motherhood? Check out these posts that might give you some good ideas:
I hope this has helped give you some ideas for how to be a villager. If you’ve established a really great village, what are your tips? Share down below or over on Instagram @sarainseason.